she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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