If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
