The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
