im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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