Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
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