sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Randomize
