I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
