I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
