i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
