I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
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