I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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