take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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