Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
