nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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