my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
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