Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
My ATM looks so different sober.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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