god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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