Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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