I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
false alarm, still single
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
