I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Randomize
