What did we do last night that was yellow?
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize