Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
My liver just had a heart attack.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
