"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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