Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
