The maid of honor just puked.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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