i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
