The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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