Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
