I faked an abortion last night.
My hand turned me down
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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