i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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