I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
