I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
