I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
