How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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