just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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