We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
