I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
The uberlube is also flammable
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
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