i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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