the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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