you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
