I was born with a shot glass in my hand
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
My liver just had a heart attack.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
