her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
