I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
