The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
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