sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
