I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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