Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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