sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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