glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
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