I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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