Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
