I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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