I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
you will always have a special place in my vag
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Randomize
