why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
How does one acquire holy water?
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
