Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
i wish my penis had a tongue
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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