He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
